All the Unusual Ways!
by Middlen
Summary: Dedicated to all of the usual ways to get Rei and Usagi together with a twist! M for violence and swearing. This is a shoujoai story. The usual shoujoai couples apply. A different title with some revised parts. I promise to get to the reviews soon!
1. Part 1: With Dancing and Katana's

Disclaimer: I don't own Sailor Moon, but by god I wish I did. This is rated the way it is for strong language, a smidge of violence and maybe some kissing which shall be done by women that love women. If you don't like that than I guess you shouldn't have picked two women pairing.

Inspired by BakaGaijin's Series Mamoru Must Die!

So on with the story.

All the Unusual Ways!

Part 1: Dancing with Katanas

By Middlen

Hino Rei sat in her room with her chin in her hand, staring at a picture in front of her. She lets out a sigh in abject sadness.

"Oh, I'm so sad. Why must I feel this way? I love you so!" She exclaims before picking up the picture and proceeds to make out with the picture of a smiling, young girl with blonde hair and what looks like meat balls on top of her head.

She pulls away from the picture and a string of drool coming away with her while the picture of the girl now has a horrific look on her face, with her eyes wide open. Rei looks down at the picture and gasps before wiping the drool away from the glass of the picture.

"Oh, Usagi, I'm so sorry. Did I get you covered with drool again? Damn!" The girl exclaims before placing the picture back on top of her desk then gazes at the picture longingly. "Oh, how I love you so."

She gets up from her chair and takes a step back away from the desk then begins to strip slowly for the picture on her desk, now the picture of the girl has another look, but this one is more of intrigue, lust and well a dash of fake horror. She smiles at the picture and keeps on stripping to the music that only she can hear until the sound of her door sliding open breaks her out of her twirling her shirt around her head with her bra resting onto of her head with the straps buckled under her chin.

She turns around with a dazed expression on her face until she sees that Yuuichirou is standing in the doorway while trying to stifle the flow of blood from his nose. She screams and covers herself with her hands before walking backwards and trips over a chair. Pin wheeling backwards she ends up knocking over the picture that's on her desk which now features the girl with her mouth open in a silent scream.

The black haired girls hand shoots out and catches the picture frame, but she forgets that she's falling backwards, half naked and with Yuuichirou still standing in the doorway watching the girls breasts bounce around while still covering his bleeding nose. She lands on her rump with a squeak of surprise while clutching the picture frame to her bosom.

"Shit! That's going to leave a mark," she mumbles before leaning to the side and pulls her henshin wand from under her butt.

She stares at the now broken wand and lets out a sigh.

"That's the hundredth one this month alone. Luna's going to be pissed off at me again," she states before pulling the picture away from her chest and looks down at the now sweat dropping and nose bleeding girl, Yuuichirou forgotten for the moment.

"Thank god you didn't fall on the floor!"

Yuuichirou rolls his eyes from where he's standing and clears his voice.

"Um, Rei, your friends are here," he states while trying to avoid looking at the girls heaving breasts, but being the typical male, he's very unsuccessful.

Rei looks up and frowns then squeaks once more before covering her breasts with the still sweat dropping picture and growls at Yuuichirou.

"Fine, tell them to come in, but knock first!" She exclaims before rushing around the room looking for the shirt that she had accidentally tossed when she saw the man standing in her door way.

Yuuichirou shakes his head and walks off slightly wishing that he would've been quieter in order to get a better view of Rei stripping. He lets out a sigh and continues down the hall, leaving Rei dashing around her room now looking for her bra.

"Where's my bra? Where is that damn thing?" She asks herself while looking under her desk then gets up from the floor and looks into the mirror only to see the bra still on her head.

She lets out a sigh then takes the thing from her head and puts it on before pulling her shirt on then stuffs the picture of an amused looking blonde into her drawer then jumps onto her futon and tries to compose herself for when her friends come into her room.

There's a knock and Rei tells them to come in. The sailor senshi all troop into the dark haired woman's room, each one of them with their respectable lesbian girlfriend, wave to the miko before taking a seat at a table that suddenly appears in the girl's room.

"Hey, Rei, what are you up too?" Mako asks from her spot next to her bluenette girlfriend, Ami.

Rei leans her head to the side then walks over to her closet and looks at the tiny black marks on the door frame.

"Well according to this, I'm up to about 5'8" and a half, but who's keeping track?" the miko asks before turning around to take a spot next to Usagi.

"Hey, Usagi, Did you eat tuna for lunch today?" She asks while sniffing at the blonde hime.

"REI! YOU ARE SO MEAN!" Usagi yells before shoving the miko into Haruka who's sitting beside Rei.

Haruka looks down at Rei who had landed into her lap and she wiggles her eyebrows.

"Hey, Rei, while you're down there!" The blonde tomboy exclaims while a disgusted looking Michiru smacks Haruka upside the head. "What, Michi? I was just gonna ask her to zip up my zipper!"

Michiru smiles and kisses her girlfriend then hugs her after the black haired girl got out of the older woman's lap. Michiru lets go then looks over to Ami who had tapped her on her shoulder to speak to her about something. While the girls back is turned, Haruka holds up a hand in a mock phone and mouths, "call me," before turning around to face Michiru and smiles sweetly at her girlfriend.

Shaking her head the dark haired girl turns to Usagi and gently takes the girls hand into her own.

"Usagi, I'm terribly sorry for making such a horrible comment to you. Because you are my princess I have no other choice then to commit seppuku!" The dark haired woman exclaims loudly with her hand up in the air, before getting up with a sword that suddenly appears out of nowhere.

(An: that means ritual suicide for those of you that don't know.)

"NO! You'll throw off the course of future!" Setsuna yells from where she is sitting with her face in Minako's chest while the other blonde wiggles her shoulders in an imitation of the shimmy.

"I must! For I have insulted the princess one to many times and in turn this has to be done!" Rei yells before turning and swinging the sword in a large arch to try to take her own head off with the sword when the door slides open.

"Hey, guys, I'm, ooof," there's a squishing noise that rings throughout the room and everyone turns when they hear a quiet, "ooops."

There standing in the door way is Mamoru with a katana sunk into his chest to the hilt. He staggers into the room then turns sideways showing the blade sticking out of his back. The dark haired man turns white then looks at the others gathered in the room.

"Well that's not good is it?" He asks before falling face forward onto the floor to the wail of Usagi as her twin braids flying through the air while she runs in slow motion to the fallen Mamoru.

"No, no, no! You can't die! Mamoru, come back to me!" She yells while shaking the shoulders of the fallen man.

"Usagi, I'm not dead yet, but I want you to promise me one thing," the man states with a cough while clutching at the hilt of the katana.

Usagi leans closer to her only love to hear what he has to say. "What is it my love?" She asks with tears streaming down her face.

"Promise me that you won't have sex with anyone," he states in a soft whisper.

"Oh Mamoru, my dear your time is ending, you were so kind, loving and so sweet. You are dying. You are going to the light," she whispers while closing the man's eyes, but they snap open.

"No, Sex!" He exclaims with a look of pain on his face.

"My dear Mamoru, You were well loved," Usagi states while closing the man's eyes again then looks around the room while everyone looks at the two lovers with raised eyebrows.

"Usagi, Promise me, ack," Mamoru groans out when the sword is suddenly pulled out and something hard hits him on the head.

Usagi gets up with the katana in her hand and she looks around at the gathered senshi.

"My prince will be well missed. Oh it's all sticky!" She exclaims when some blood runs down to her hand.

Everyone looks at each other before nodding their heads in order to not anger the hime with the very large katana.

Rei bits her bottom lip then walks over to Usagi and stands before her smiling a soft smile.

"Usagi, I know that Mamoru has just died, but I must tell you that I'm in love with you and I have been for some time. All the name calling, bickering and juvenile things I've been doing for some many years with you was because I was trying to hide how I truly felt for you. I hope that you can accept my love," Rei states with a hopeful look on her face.

Usagi places her finger against her lips while tilting her head to the side for a moment before smiling when a thought crosses her mind.

"Do I get sex?" The blonde hime asks with a Kawii voice.

Rei smiles lustfully before leaning forward and whispers. "Right now, if you want."

Usagi looks around the room then stands up straight.

"I want to tell everyone this. GET OUT! NOW!" The blonde yells while swinging the katana around in the air.

Everyone jumps to their feet fearing for their lives and run out of the room, all except Haruka who stays where she's been sitting, throughout the whole ordeal, with an eager look on her face. That is until Michiru runs back in, grabs the blonde haired tom boy by the ear and proceeds to drag her out of the room.

"What? I swear I was only staying for observing rights. Someone has to make sure that they are doing their first lesbian act together right! I was only going to judge ifÂ…" They don't get to hear it all because Haruka is drowned out by Michiru growling while she drags the tom boy down the hall.

Rei watches them leave with an amused expression her face then looks back the blonde hime, sans katana and smiles at her.

"Now, my little princess, let me show you something," Rei purrs while beginning to dance for the blonde in front of her.

Outside the window is Yuuichirou with a camera in his hand and a devious smile on his face.

"Oh yeah, this is so great. This will sell for millions on the Internet! I'll be rich. All those fans will want a picture of this!" He exclaims with his fist in the air, but then ends up going backwards with a katana sticking out of his forehead.

"So that's where that went," he states from the ground before his body convulses and the camera falls from his hand which is now slack in death.

Walking down the steps with Setsuna, Minako looks up at her green/black haired girlfriend.

"So, what is gonna happen now that Mamoru is dead?"

Setsuna looks down at her goddess and smiles.

"You know I can't tell you that, Mina," Setsuna states with a small laugh, but the laugh turns to a groan when Minako leans up to whisper something into the Senshi of Times ear causing her to turn red.

"Oh well, then, everything turns out well in its shoujo-ai sort of way. Now, about that position you were talking about."

The two walk down the steps hand in hand while Minako describes the position she was talking about in detail to the enrapture and blushing Senshi of Time.

The End . . .

**Author's Ramblings: **Okay a long time ago I got a review saying that they couldn't understand the plot and it went in to many different directions. Okay I want to clear it up. There isn't a plot. It's a spoof for ways that Usagi and Rei can become a couple. I guess I never really was specific about the whole concept with this so there you have it.

~Middlen


	2. Part 2: Mamoru Cheats!

Hello and welcome to a new story by yours truly

Hello and welcome to a new story by yours truly. Last time I wrote an angst story. So this time I figured that I'd write a more humorous story this time around. So welcome to the insanity brought to you by me. Lol.

I don't own Sailor Moon, but by god I wish I did. Lol.

This is rated M for strong language, a smidge of violence and maybe some kissing which shall be done by women that love women. Lol.

If the characters seem to be OOC then that's good cause that's how I want it!

So here we go.

All the Unusual Ways!

Part Two: Mamoru Cheats!

By Middlen

­­­­­­

Usagi walks down the street humming kawii to herself with a kawii smile on her face and a kawii chipper voice when she says hello to someone on the street. The person stops and smiles at the Odango haired girl.

"Aww, you're so Kawii!" The person states before moving off down the road, feeling just a little better now that the stranger had a brief encounter with the blonde hime.

The blonde smiles before moving on her way towards her one and only, Mamoru's. Little pink hearts appear above her head when she thinks about the dark haired man that will someday be her husband.

"Oh, I love my Mamo-Chan so much," the girl states with a smile then begins to skip kawii down the street once again.

She arrives to her loves apartment complex and smiles at the building lovingly even though her Mamo-chan can't see her. She just knows that he's waiting for her to arrive. She just knows that when she's with him they can express their love with longing looks of love, hugging each other with arms of love while just sitting next together basking in their love, for they are in love and she just knows that nothing can come between them.

_:Author snorts and rolls her eyes while mock gagging:_

The Odango walks through the lobby towards the elevators. She smiles kawii to herself while pressing the button that will take her to Mamoru's floor without even looking at the number pad, which has her finger print imbedded into the key pad from all the times that she's been there.

She hums to herself while taping her fingers against her thigh as she waits for the elevator to stop. Once the elevator has stopped she will be on her loves floor where she will bask in his love and kisses.

While she's waiting she comes up with the great idea of trying to bake cookies for her love once more.

This time she hopes that the fire department doesn't have to be called because of the blaze in Mamoru's oven. While the lady in the apartment next door runs out screaming, "It's the end of the world as we know it," at the top of her lungs.

While the blonde stands waiting in the elevator with delusions of grandeur run through her head. A certain dark haired miko emerges from the bushes and stares up at the apartment complex with longing and tears running down her face in rivers.

Because our lovely, rough, thick headed, stubborn as a mule, creepier then a stalker, deadly as a heart attack….

"Hey they get it already!!" Exclaims a pissed off miko while a vein throbs on the side of her head.

:_Author grins slightly with a scared look on her face and sweat drops before clearing her voice_:

The dark haired miko was truly in love with the lovely hime from the moon and she pinned her life away waiting for a love that she just knew would never be hers.

This love of hers seemed to only get stronger with each day that passes now it seems to be consuming her mind, body and soul. Even though our brave young miko knew that she was so much better then that pansy, rose throwing caped boy wonder, she wouldn't do anything about it.

Oh know, because she seems to get a great deal of pleasure out of being the poster child of angst for the sailor senshi. I mean who else would we get for that role to fill? There just isn't anyone that and she seemed to be having a great deal of fun…

:_A shoe thrown at the Author makes her stop her rant_:

So our lovely miko has decided that while she can't have the pretty hime in the way that she wanted like her eternal love slave. :_The author sweat drops when she hears a slight sexy growl come from the Miko_:

She's decided that the least she could do was tell the hime about her feelings and finally get them off her chest.

With another look of longing towards the apartment building the miko slinks back into the bushes once again to wait for her secret love to come out of the building. Once she's outside the miko will ambush her and drag her, I mean, tell her the beautiful hime as to what she totally feels for her.

She smiles slightly to herself and allows herself to swim within the illusions of what it might be if she told her hime what she truly felt and if by some miracle the blonde might possibly feel the same way.

"Fat chance," A voice comes from somewhere to the left of the miko only to have a sharp yelp then shushing from some other people.

The miko is too wrapped up in her day dreams to pay the voices any heed and having no idea what was going in the apartment building next to her. This is what happens when Rei goes into creepy stalker mode. :_Author runs away while Rei runs after her with a katana raised above her head yelling at the author and makes sweeping motions with the blade_:

_**INTERMISSION**_

:_Author comes back while panting and clears her throat_:

Finally the elevator finally comes to its final destination and the blonde hime hops out of the elevator and skips gaily, heh gaily, down the hall towards her Mamo-Chan's apartment.

Once at the door the blonde just throws open the door and proceeds to walk in, for they are in love, so why should she ring the door bell?

"Mamoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, I'm he…" the blonde hime stops talking when she sees that her Mamo-Chan is currently in the arms of another blonde that isn't her, kissing and pawing at a bra covered chest, but then jerks away when he hears her voice.

"Usako! It's not what it looks like!" Mamoru yells before back peddling off the woman and stands up while trying to arrange the front of his pants with a sheepish grin on his face.

The blonde hime looks from Mamoru to the woman and back again. "Then what do you call what you are doing?" She accuses with a finger wagging between the two of them.

Mamoru looks around then spots a book on the table and picks it up before waving it around. "We're studying! Yeah, that's it. We're studying, umm, Sociology and the mating ritual of humans!" He exclaims while wagging the book back and forth in front of Usagi.

The hime gets a relieved look on her face and she smiles at her Mamo-Chan. "Oh, is that all you are doing? Well, then, I can't stop you from studying now can I?" The blonde asks in a perky voice.

The other blonde gets up from the couch and straightens her cloths while looking at the other blonde with an amused look on her face.

"So, who do we have here, Mamo-Chan, my love? Is this the klutzy tag along that wouldn't allow you to get into her pants that you were telling me about earlier while I held you in my arms?" The blonde asks then almost laughs when a look crosses the other blondes face.

Usagi looks back and forth before she grows fangs and snarls at the other blonde.

"Get out! I have to talk to my "FIANCE" alone," Usagi hisses before pointing towards the door with a katana that had appeared from no where.

The other blonde gulps then scurries out of the room, slamming the door behind her before the crazy, idiot, and younger woman could do something with the pointy instrument that she was currently waving around in sweeping arches.

Usagi whirls around towards Mamoru then walks over to him and punches him square in the face.

"You jerk! Do you really think that I can't see what you are doing here? Do you think so little of me that I don't know what's going on?" The blonde screams out while brandishing the katana around in the air, so very close to the thing that makes Mamoru a male.

The dark haired man gulps then takes a step back, but the infuriated blonde follows him still waving the sword around in the air.

"Now, Usako, don't do anything that you'll regret later. I mean, we do have a future together!" He exclaims while eyeing the swinging katana.

Usagi growls at the now sweating man.

"I've been with you since nineteen ninety-seven! I've been patient with you and now I find out that you are doing this?" Usagi lets out a sigh before turning around with tears trailing down her face then whispers. "I knew I should've listened to my father and became a nun."

She feels a hand on her shoulder only for her to whirl around and punch the man in face once again.

"We're done, Mamoru, but before I leave I want to leave something for you to remember me by!" She exclaims before advancing on the man in front of her whose face has turned a very pale color.

Sometime later Rei notices Usagi emerging from the apartment complex. With a sigh and a good dose of nervousness the miko crawls out of the bushes then slowly walks over to her blonde princess, but then picks up her pace when she notices that Usagi is crying.

She stops in front of the princess and takes the surprised princess into her arms. She sighs when she feels the other girl encircle her waist with her own arms and proceeds to make the miko's shoulder very soggy with her tears.

An angry Rei just holds onto the woman in her arms and rubs the small of her back in order to calm her down. Once the tears have stopped, Usagi leans back and looks up into Rei's eyes then smiles warmly at the miko.

"Thank you, Rei. You're always around when I need you. I know that we may fight, but I still want you to know that I love you very much and well," Usagi stops and blushes for a moment. "Since Mamoru and I are finished once and for all. Would you want to go out with me sometime, like say maybe tomorrow night?"

Rei stares at the blonde in front of her with her mouth agape before nodding her head dumbly not able to form neither a word nor a coherent thought at the turn of events.

Usagi smiles sweetly before leaning up to kiss the Miko's cheek before moving away.

"Good, then why don't you come pick me up around seven tomorrow?" The blonde asks and once again the miko only nods her answer.

Nodding her head as well the blonde then waves to the still stunned Miko before skipping down the sidewalk to her home while whistling to herself and smiling for the entire world to see.

The dark haired woman watches her leave then shakes her head, before turning around on her heel and marches over to the apartment complex to confront that asshole Mamoru, but stops when she hears a crash and some cursing coming from the bushes that are beside the one that she was hiding in.

She places her hands on her hips and watches as the other senshi emerge from the bushes with twigs, leaves and dirt smeared all over them. The senshi smile sheepishly at the miko and look around to avoid the miko's wrath.

Haruka rolls her eyes then places a hand on the miko's shoulder and smiles at her with a proud look on her face.

"Good job pyro, now let's go see what we can do to our most prestigious prince," Haruka states with an evil grin on her face that matches the other girls looks and the look on Rei's face as well.

The senshi arrive on Mamoru's floor only to notice that his door is slightly ajar. Rei looks at the other senshi who shrug their shoulders before walking over to it first and pushes it open with her fingertip then pokes her head into the room. She almost bursts out laughing when she notices him rolling around on the floor clutching his crotch and moaning loudly with each turn of his body.

The Miko waves towards the group of senshi to come over to the door and they all look inside before putting their hands to their mouths when the see the Prince of Earth in such an undignified position on the floor.

Rei puts a hand to keep the other senshi from following her and walks into the room alone. She kneels down beside the rolling man and notices that he has large bruises on his face, along with a large scratch down one of his arms.

"Mamoru, what happened?" She asks before reaching out to steady the rocking man.

He stops and gasps out before scuttling over to the other side of the room.

"I…I..I.. ran into the arm of the couch!" he exclaims with fear and embarrassment in his voice. "Don't worry. I'll just go and put some ice on it!"

The man gets up then runs towards the kitchen and away from the kneeling Miko, but not before she notices that scrawled on his forehead is _I like to have sex with little girls._ There are many things written on his face, but Rei isn't close enough to see what they say.

Raising an eyebrow once again, her mind puts two and two together. She shakes her head then gets up from her kneeling position thinking that she should make the man pay for hurting her hime, but decides that Usagi has already given all the punishment he deserves.

She walks to the door to see Makoto and Haruka cracking their knuckles with eager looks on their faces. Rei chuckles softly to herself almost feeling sorry for the man, but the pity soon leaves her and she nods her head towards the waiting girls.

The two girls rush into the room and she can hear Mamoru screaming while the other women stand out side the room laughing softly and Minako pulls out a video camera before rushing into the room with Ami and Setsuna hot on her heels.

Rei shakes her head then chuckles to herself while she down towards the elevator, her mind conjuring up little day dreams of her date with her hime after all of these years. She magically walks out of the apartment complex, not even taking the elevator then proceeds down the sidewalk, whistling softly to herself with a silly grin on her face.

_To be continued… _

**Authors Ramblings: **So I've decided thanks to all of you to continue with this series. You had better be warned! You are the ones that have spoken. I'm just here to write the insanity! So until next time!

Middlen


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